A werewolf... The actual thing Not what we were called
Not really My moms want me to I just wanna be able to dance I was winning a couple of competitions back in Macau But they don't think that's something I can just do so I gotta go to college
Yea I mean I guess some parts are pretty cool... But it's really dangerous too I have to be locked up during the full moon
Yea that's what I thought But my moms are gonna make me go study languages or whatever Because I already know a few anyway That sounds boring as fuck though What were u gonna do in brown?
[ It takes him a while. The gravity - confusion - of someone so young being pregnant, something he hasn't really been confronted with, and he doesn't know what to say or ask, except, ]
Ur baby is back home?
[ Because of course he assumes the baby is alive, waiting for Shauna. They'd know if a mother and her child had come here together, right? She must be so determined to go home. No wonder Nat would burn this place down to help her friends leave. ]
[it's almost sweet, the assumption, and for a moment shauna lets herself wonder what if. she'd be a better person, that's for sure, if her baby was waiting for her at home, if every dream she'd had for the past year was memory instead. she almost says "yes", almost tries to create her own reality where that wintry day never happened.
but -- dom's been nice to her, he's like her, angry and hurting and wanting. he's good, though, good in a way shauna can't be anymore. she wants to tell him the truth.
so:] no. we crashed in may and by december, when i had him, we'd been starving for months. there wasn't enough to eat. so he didn't make it.
[ another reply, another reality he's never been faced with. he's at such a loss, incapable of imagining what to say or do when something like that happens to a mother who wanted a child. ]
I'm sorry
[ he wonders if those words are the same to her as they are to him. I'm sorry, over and over, from different faces and different levels of pity, every time Dom says his father is dead and he was there to witness it. It doesn't lose meaning to those who say it, but they're just that. Two words that he can't get any empathy from anymore, like a candle that burned up a long time ago. ]
[there’s nothing to say or do, not really, not anything that anyone could. because all shauna wants is for that horrible, awful moment to be undone. to be different. she wants the fake version, the lie, the dream, where she realizes how different she can be, how strong and brave and good, because there’s a baby in her arms that she’d move the heavens for.
she wonders, briefly – if her son hadn’t wanted to go to college, had wanted to dance, would she have let him? where would fear and love twine, make her want to hold him back, keep him safe, close, protected?]
yeah. i think so. makes sense, right? i was good before that. like – i wasn’t angry or mean or anything like i was later. like i am now.
[ He thinks he wouldn't be this angry, if not for the werewolf in him. If not for the guilt of living when his dad didn't. Maybe his mother is so thankful that her son survived, maybe she would rather have had him die that night, rather than turn into this thing. You're not a monster, people say, you're not a monster, and yet. ]
Yea I think it makes sense
Maybe u can still be good Like how this place has made me [ Maybe not better, but ] different
[and that’s it, at the heart of it. shauna thinks it should’ve been her, instead of jackie, instead of her baby – or at least with them. the sort of loss that carves you out, hollows you. dom and his dad – maybe it’s the same.]
hey, i think you’re pretty good, nerd. but yeah. different. sorta like a second chance.
[a pause, swooping, aching.]
sometimes. letters and stuff. or i talk to him. tell him stuff.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I heal fine from all that
It comes with being a
U know
And u never got to go right
Not yet anyway
I have no clue where I'm gonna go after school's over
That's trippy...
Is Misty from ur future or was she already old
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[either shauna doesn't know dom's a werewolf or she was told and immediately forgot either way is possible.]
no i just got my acceptance letter like
the day before we left for nationals.
i hadn't even told anyone.
do you wanna do college??
lmao no
she was our age, the way i remember her
even more insane if u can believe it
the one here's from the future.
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The actual thing
Not what we were called
Not really
My moms want me to
I just wanna be able to dance
I was winning a couple of competitions back in Macau
But they don't think that's something I can just do so I gotta go to college
How was she more insane?
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you are? for real?
cool.
i mean
is it cool? it's kinda cool.
you dance? like competitively?
that's cool.
college should be like
only if you want it? i guess?
especially if you're good enough at dancing to win.
she was just
SO intense.
like no filters.
no subject
I mean
I guess some parts are pretty cool...
But it's really dangerous too
I have to be locked up during the full moon
Yea that's what I thought
But my moms are gonna make me go study languages or whatever
Because I already know a few anyway
That sounds boring as fuck though
What were u gonna do in brown?
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that's fucked up!
and like
wolfist!!!
well u don't NEED to listen to them
i haven't listened to my mom in like
years.
besides why would you wanna study something you already know??
writing, probably.
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I basically become a killing machine
And I don't wanna hurt anyone so that's why I need to be contained
[ One of the reasons the werewolf game messed him up even more, rip. ]
I guess
I just don't know what to do to convince them
U'd get it if u met them
What do u write?
News stuff? Or stories
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but that's like
not your fault?
have you ever
y'know. actually hurt someone?
probably, yeah. parents like me, usually.
cause i talk about books and stuff.
but yeah, my mom's always at work, she doesn't care what i do.
stories, probably.
memoir.
i journal every day, so.
yeah.
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Before we went out there
Then I attacked Giles
A werewolf killed my dad and almost killed me so
I never wanted to do that to anyone
That's cool
I never thought about journaling...
Do u have favorite books and stuff?
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that wasn't your fault, dom, you know that.
it wasn't any of our faults.
but that's shitty.
i'm sorry.
i kinda started because like
who's gonna wanna listen to me?
yeah, i like the classic stuff.
pride and prejudice, little women, jane eyre.
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[ he still blames himself, fully, but saying 'I know' is usually enough to placate people, so he does. ]
I haven't really read any of those
Should I?
Also like
If u want someone to listen to u or whatever
I don't mind
[ it could be another excuse to hang out. ]
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do you still believe it?
[can't kid a kidder.]
yeah they're great.
like they're timeless for a reason.
what like
for real?
cool. thanks.
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Do u?
Or is that what we're all saying so we can like
Live in our own heads
Yea
Next time we're at silco's club
If u want
I might try to find those books in the library too
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it totally is.
but it pisses me off to have to say it.
it's NOT fine.
like, being a wolf sucked but
at least i got to be angry without anyone watching.
you wanna have like a regency book club?
pretty sure that's the nicest thing a guy's ever said to me.
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It feels like they're denying it even happened
I used to be really angry back home
I thought I was getting better here
And then everything happened
Not like I'm good at reading stuff to the end but I can try
I'll let u know if I'm not into it
[ ... ]
Why do u get angry?
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that's it, exactly.
you can say it to me. i'll even say it first.
it's not okay.
i dunno, i think you're doing okay
like you aren't an asshole.
even if you're angry.
lmao i'll read it aloud to you until you yell at me to stop.
[a beat, an inhale.]
stuff that happened out there.
in the wilderness, i mean.
did mel tell you anything?
no subject
It's not OK
What we did was fucked up
I wish I could take it back
Thanks
I mean I punched my boyfriend when I first got here
Long story
She told me about the crash
How you guys were stuck out there for a long time
[ and if she told him more than that i can't remember pls forgive ]
U guys must have been really scared
cw: pregnancy, eventual pregnancy loss
i mean, peony's weird about it, but set doesn't seem mad.
but like
i didn't ever want to be that person.
cause he didn't remember you?
or other reasons.
[a pause, turning it around in her head, this, the most secret, private thing shauna has. this, the only thing she can give.]
yeah.
i was um
i didn't know for a little, but i was pregnant. when we crashed.
no subject
Ur baby is back home?
[ Because of course he assumes the baby is alive, waiting for Shauna. They'd know if a mother and her child had come here together, right? She must be so determined to go home. No wonder Nat would burn this place down to help her friends leave. ]
cw: infant death, stillbirth
but -- dom's been nice to her, he's like her, angry and hurting and wanting. he's good, though, good in a way shauna can't be anymore. she wants to tell him the truth.
so:] no.
we crashed in may and by december, when i had him, we'd been starving for months. there wasn't enough to eat. so
he didn't make it.
no subject
I'm sorry
[ he wonders if those words are the same to her as they are to him. I'm sorry, over and over, from different faces and different levels of pity, every time Dom says his father is dead and he was there to witness it. It doesn't lose meaning to those who say it, but they're just that. Two words that he can't get any empathy from anymore, like a candle that burned up a long time ago. ]
Is it where the anger comes from?
no subject
she wonders, briefly – if her son hadn’t wanted to go to college, had wanted to dance, would she have let him? where would fear and love twine, make her want to hold him back, keep him safe, close, protected?]
yeah.
i think so.
makes sense, right?
i was good before that. like – i wasn’t angry or mean or anything like i was later. like i am now.
i used to be really nice.
no subject
Yea
I think it makes sense
Maybe u can still be good
Like how this place has made me [ Maybe not better, but ] different
In ur journal
Do u write to ur son
no subject
hey, i think you’re pretty good, nerd.
but yeah. different. sorta like a second chance.
[a pause, swooping, aching.]
sometimes.
letters and stuff.
or i talk to him. tell him stuff.
i dream about him all the time.
no subject
Exactly
Despite all the shitty stuff that happens
Or I guess it's part of it
Do u think they're like
Visiting us
When we dream about them
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