[ It takes him a while. The gravity - confusion - of someone so young being pregnant, something he hasn't really been confronted with, and he doesn't know what to say or ask, except, ]
Ur baby is back home?
[ Because of course he assumes the baby is alive, waiting for Shauna. They'd know if a mother and her child had come here together, right? She must be so determined to go home. No wonder Nat would burn this place down to help her friends leave. ]
[it's almost sweet, the assumption, and for a moment shauna lets herself wonder what if. she'd be a better person, that's for sure, if her baby was waiting for her at home, if every dream she'd had for the past year was memory instead. she almost says "yes", almost tries to create her own reality where that wintry day never happened.
but -- dom's been nice to her, he's like her, angry and hurting and wanting. he's good, though, good in a way shauna can't be anymore. she wants to tell him the truth.
so:] no. we crashed in may and by december, when i had him, we'd been starving for months. there wasn't enough to eat. so he didn't make it.
[ another reply, another reality he's never been faced with. he's at such a loss, incapable of imagining what to say or do when something like that happens to a mother who wanted a child. ]
I'm sorry
[ he wonders if those words are the same to her as they are to him. I'm sorry, over and over, from different faces and different levels of pity, every time Dom says his father is dead and he was there to witness it. It doesn't lose meaning to those who say it, but they're just that. Two words that he can't get any empathy from anymore, like a candle that burned up a long time ago. ]
[there’s nothing to say or do, not really, not anything that anyone could. because all shauna wants is for that horrible, awful moment to be undone. to be different. she wants the fake version, the lie, the dream, where she realizes how different she can be, how strong and brave and good, because there’s a baby in her arms that she’d move the heavens for.
she wonders, briefly – if her son hadn’t wanted to go to college, had wanted to dance, would she have let him? where would fear and love twine, make her want to hold him back, keep him safe, close, protected?]
yeah. i think so. makes sense, right? i was good before that. like – i wasn’t angry or mean or anything like i was later. like i am now.
[ He thinks he wouldn't be this angry, if not for the werewolf in him. If not for the guilt of living when his dad didn't. Maybe his mother is so thankful that her son survived, maybe she would rather have had him die that night, rather than turn into this thing. You're not a monster, people say, you're not a monster, and yet. ]
Yea I think it makes sense
Maybe u can still be good Like how this place has made me [ Maybe not better, but ] different
[and that’s it, at the heart of it. shauna thinks it should’ve been her, instead of jackie, instead of her baby – or at least with them. the sort of loss that carves you out, hollows you. dom and his dad – maybe it’s the same.]
hey, i think you’re pretty good, nerd. but yeah. different. sorta like a second chance.
[a pause, swooping, aching.]
sometimes. letters and stuff. or i talk to him. tell him stuff.
maybe suffering DOES build character?? still sucks, though. even if i feel like kinda a better person because of it all. still definitely did NOT like being caged and dying. 0/10 for me.
[the thought is – nice, almost sweet, and shauna turns it over gently in her mind for a moment.]
maybe? i mean, if i was the one who died and i could visit him i’d do it every night. he keeps getting older, in my dreams. like a whole person. sometimes we don’t even talk, we just sit outside and he plays with sticks and bugs and stuff.
is that normal? for kids? or is my psyche like making stuff up.
Yea That doesn't feel like it was real either Us burning It makes my chest hurt and heart go to fast but IDK It's like my brain can't reach back to it anymore Kinda like it did when my dad died
That's cool I'm glad u have those dreams
It's kinda weird because my dad is the same but I go back to being a kid Except not Like there's two of me One is watching the other is doing Guess that's just how memories work
A lot of the times he takes me to a park back in Taipa It had some fountains on the front with a huge seagull statue And there's a beach in front of it with black sand
I dream a lot about the lunar new year with him Like being out on the streets with the dragon and the lions dancing
pretty sure that’s like ptsd or something. there’s stuff i can’t remember clearly about being out there (there = the wilderness, but the commune too i guess?) i think it’s our brains protecting us.
i used to get so mad i had them. like it wasn’t fair that the only time i got to see him wasn’t real. still not fair, but at least i get to see him.
taipa? where’s that? sounds like he was fun. like, that he did fun stuff with you.
i never named him. sometimes i think about names, like darcy or rochester or something. you won’t get that til you read the books, sorry. sometimes jack. jack a lot of times, actually.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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that's fucked up!
and like
wolfist!!!
well u don't NEED to listen to them
i haven't listened to my mom in like
years.
besides why would you wanna study something you already know??
writing, probably.
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I basically become a killing machine
And I don't wanna hurt anyone so that's why I need to be contained
[ One of the reasons the werewolf game messed him up even more, rip. ]
I guess
I just don't know what to do to convince them
U'd get it if u met them
What do u write?
News stuff? Or stories
no subject
but that's like
not your fault?
have you ever
y'know. actually hurt someone?
probably, yeah. parents like me, usually.
cause i talk about books and stuff.
but yeah, my mom's always at work, she doesn't care what i do.
stories, probably.
memoir.
i journal every day, so.
yeah.
no subject
Before we went out there
Then I attacked Giles
A werewolf killed my dad and almost killed me so
I never wanted to do that to anyone
That's cool
I never thought about journaling...
Do u have favorite books and stuff?
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that wasn't your fault, dom, you know that.
it wasn't any of our faults.
but that's shitty.
i'm sorry.
i kinda started because like
who's gonna wanna listen to me?
yeah, i like the classic stuff.
pride and prejudice, little women, jane eyre.
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[ he still blames himself, fully, but saying 'I know' is usually enough to placate people, so he does. ]
I haven't really read any of those
Should I?
Also like
If u want someone to listen to u or whatever
I don't mind
[ it could be another excuse to hang out. ]
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do you still believe it?
[can't kid a kidder.]
yeah they're great.
like they're timeless for a reason.
what like
for real?
cool. thanks.
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Do u?
Or is that what we're all saying so we can like
Live in our own heads
Yea
Next time we're at silco's club
If u want
I might try to find those books in the library too
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it totally is.
but it pisses me off to have to say it.
it's NOT fine.
like, being a wolf sucked but
at least i got to be angry without anyone watching.
you wanna have like a regency book club?
pretty sure that's the nicest thing a guy's ever said to me.
no subject
It feels like they're denying it even happened
I used to be really angry back home
I thought I was getting better here
And then everything happened
Not like I'm good at reading stuff to the end but I can try
I'll let u know if I'm not into it
[ ... ]
Why do u get angry?
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that's it, exactly.
you can say it to me. i'll even say it first.
it's not okay.
i dunno, i think you're doing okay
like you aren't an asshole.
even if you're angry.
lmao i'll read it aloud to you until you yell at me to stop.
[a beat, an inhale.]
stuff that happened out there.
in the wilderness, i mean.
did mel tell you anything?
no subject
It's not OK
What we did was fucked up
I wish I could take it back
Thanks
I mean I punched my boyfriend when I first got here
Long story
She told me about the crash
How you guys were stuck out there for a long time
[ and if she told him more than that i can't remember pls forgive ]
U guys must have been really scared
cw: pregnancy, eventual pregnancy loss
i mean, peony's weird about it, but set doesn't seem mad.
but like
i didn't ever want to be that person.
cause he didn't remember you?
or other reasons.
[a pause, turning it around in her head, this, the most secret, private thing shauna has. this, the only thing she can give.]
yeah.
i was um
i didn't know for a little, but i was pregnant. when we crashed.
no subject
Ur baby is back home?
[ Because of course he assumes the baby is alive, waiting for Shauna. They'd know if a mother and her child had come here together, right? She must be so determined to go home. No wonder Nat would burn this place down to help her friends leave. ]
cw: infant death, stillbirth
but -- dom's been nice to her, he's like her, angry and hurting and wanting. he's good, though, good in a way shauna can't be anymore. she wants to tell him the truth.
so:] no.
we crashed in may and by december, when i had him, we'd been starving for months. there wasn't enough to eat. so
he didn't make it.
no subject
I'm sorry
[ he wonders if those words are the same to her as they are to him. I'm sorry, over and over, from different faces and different levels of pity, every time Dom says his father is dead and he was there to witness it. It doesn't lose meaning to those who say it, but they're just that. Two words that he can't get any empathy from anymore, like a candle that burned up a long time ago. ]
Is it where the anger comes from?
no subject
she wonders, briefly – if her son hadn’t wanted to go to college, had wanted to dance, would she have let him? where would fear and love twine, make her want to hold him back, keep him safe, close, protected?]
yeah.
i think so.
makes sense, right?
i was good before that. like – i wasn’t angry or mean or anything like i was later. like i am now.
i used to be really nice.
no subject
Yea
I think it makes sense
Maybe u can still be good
Like how this place has made me [ Maybe not better, but ] different
In ur journal
Do u write to ur son
no subject
hey, i think you’re pretty good, nerd.
but yeah. different. sorta like a second chance.
[a pause, swooping, aching.]
sometimes.
letters and stuff.
or i talk to him. tell him stuff.
i dream about him all the time.
no subject
Exactly
Despite all the shitty stuff that happens
Or I guess it's part of it
Do u think they're like
Visiting us
When we dream about them
no subject
still sucks, though.
even if i feel like
kinda a better person because of it all.
still definitely did NOT like being caged and dying.
0/10 for me.
[the thought is – nice, almost sweet, and shauna turns it over gently in her mind for a moment.]
maybe?
i mean, if i was the one who died and i could visit him
i’d do it every night.
he keeps getting older, in my dreams.
like a whole person.
sometimes we don’t even talk, we just sit outside and he plays with sticks and bugs and stuff.
is that normal? for kids?
or is my psyche like making stuff up.
what's your dad do
when he's in your dreams?
no subject
That doesn't feel like it was real either
Us burning
It makes my chest hurt and heart go to fast but
IDK
It's like my brain can't reach back to it anymore
Kinda like it did when my dad died
That's cool
I'm glad u have those dreams
It's kinda weird because my dad is the same but I go back to being a kid
Except not
Like there's two of me
One is watching the other is doing
Guess that's just how memories work
A lot of the times he takes me to a park back in Taipa
It had some fountains on the front with a huge seagull statue
And there's a beach in front of it with black sand
I dream a lot about the lunar new year with him
Like being out on the streets with the dragon and the lions dancing
What's ur son's name?
no subject
ptsd or something.
there’s stuff i can’t remember clearly about being out there
(there = the wilderness, but the commune too i guess?)
i think it’s our brains protecting us.
i used to get so mad i had them.
like it wasn’t fair that the only time i got to see him wasn’t real.
still not fair, but
at least i get to see him.
taipa? where’s that?
sounds like he was fun.
like, that he did fun stuff with you.
i never named him.
sometimes i think about names, like
darcy or rochester or something.
you won’t get that til you read the books, sorry.
sometimes jack.
jack a lot of times, actually.
what’s your dad’s name?
no subject
Taipa is an island connected to Macau
So it's a part of it
Like Coloane is too
Coloane is where we'd go to the pool
I like those names actually
Maybe one day u'll decide one and then u can call him in ur dreams
My dad was Stanley
he had a Chinese name but that's what everyone called him
I have one too
no subject
is that where you grew up?
or where you still live?
or both?
really? maybe you'll like the books too.
i usually just call him "baby". "my baby".
stuff like that.
stanley lol
that's such a dad name.
what was it?
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